middle child syndrome...

This is may be another though one to swallow but I believe it's true...

Recently I have had some complications in my life, mostly it's in my head(I know I've said it before, but it's true....probably because I have been spending a lot of time alone, you'll get it later). But after a few conversations with a few different friends I've come to the realization that I have "Middle Child Syndrome" which is simple enough, right? As the second born of three children, I am the middle child(wow, genius Em!). I looked into a little more and found that, even though it sounds strange there are actually studies about it. While talking to friends I realised I expect them to know me, but I never really give them a chance. I put up "a wall" as one of them said. And it's true, in a way. But at the same time we 'talk' mostly threw instant messaging where messages get mixed up and you read what is being said how YOU want to, so I don't feel like I am being understood all the time...

Anyway, I found this article which I thought was pretty interesting. There are some points that I feel are pretty bang on and there are others that aren't so much...but apparently I was right with my current career choice...see for yourself. Let me know what you think...agree or disagree...

The middle or second born child or children often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention from parents and others because they feel many times they are being ignored or dubbed off as being the same as another sibling. Being in the middle a child can feel insecure. The middle child often lacks drive and looks for direction from the first born child. Sometimes a middle child feels out of place because they are not over achievers and like to go with the flow of things.
Being a middle child would mean they are loners. They really don’t like to latch on to a person in a relationship, therefore they have trouble keeping one due to lack of interest. Not liking to take the limelight for anything, they are not over achievers and just simply work enough work to get by, and typically that goes with school as well as a career. They are however very artistic and creative. If forced to use abilities they will work well, but do not work well under pressure. They often start several projects but rarely keep focused long enough to finish a project. The best career move for a middle child would be along the lines of using their creative. Going into a writing or journalism career, and into a career that they could freely express themselves would be good. Anything that would have hours that are flexible, and projects that frequently changed would be good for a middle born child. Since relationships are not of high importance to a middle child, often times they are alone. However, the best possible match for a middle child would be a last born.

[And for the record, I'm not "emo", per say, I just have a lot of emotions and am trying to figure it all out, trying to find my place and better understand who I am...I hope I didn't hurt any ones feelings by posting this. I just thought it was interesting.]

"motivation such an aggravation"

to quote a blast from my past, Sum 41.

I think the short version of this story is that I don't want the school year to end...I'm struggling to find the motivation to get stuff done, I keep hoping it's just going to work out...which I am sure it will. But I can't find the effort to do it...that being said it's 4 o'clock on a Friday afternoon as I sit in the TV lab alone with my current documentary open...that's not to say that everyone else isn't somewhere else doing their work...I'm just the only one that is here. 

Oh well writing a blog isn't exactly getting work done either...back to the grind.

bonus pic...

The other two pictures were in the playoffs this one was in the regular season, but also against the Timberwolves. It's also from the Bugle-Observer.

you choose...

These are not my pictures...they are taken off the Bugle-Observer website...and both were printed in the paper...they say a picture is worth a thousand words....you decide?

for the record both were saves...see #12 in the second picture, he got the puck out of the crease.

EDIT: you may have to click on the picture to see the whole thing.

another great season ended

On Thursday night I made the trip up to the Miramichi to watch game 7 of the semi final Meek division playoff series. It was a long series and game 1 proved how close and intense the series would be.
Game 1 went into double over time, the OT winner came after a penalty for the Slammers. Many said the winner of game 1 would win the series(which ended up being the case). [4-3 final score].
Game 2 was all Timberwolves as they took a 4-0 lead going into the third period, the Slammers scored one goal but the Twolves scored once more to finish the game 5-1 and to take a 2-0 lead on the series.
Game 3 would be a major turning point for the Slammers they showed up to play and play they did. Curtis Black took over in net for the Slammers and block everything the Twolves threw at him. 7-0 was the final and the Slammers headed home with the momentum.
Game 4 started out well for the Slammers with a power play goal just over 2 minutes in but the Twolves scored 3...but the turning point in this game was on a delayed penalty call. The Twolves shot the puck on our goalie but (from what I heard) it went over the net and wrapped around the boards some how and took a weird bounce, went down the ice and into the empty Twolves net. The Slammers gladly took that goal and didn't look back after that. The final score was 8-5 and the Slammers were back in the series.
Game 5, 6 and 7 all had the same score 3-2...the Twolves took game 5 and ultimately game 7. I knew that at the end it would all depend on which team showed up...I found the Slammers started out strong in the games but didn't show up for the 2nd periods, then they tried to beat them in the 3rd, which was too little too late in the 7th game.
Thanks for another unforgettable season. Best of luck to the 20 year olds, you will be missed.
I can't wait for next season, it will be a long summer but I'll be back in the fall!!

life with lyrics

When I'm not lost in my thoughts, I'm listening to music...more importantly lyrics. It's funny how you can hear a song several times and yet once you stop to actually listen (or read) the lyrics, the whole song changes... or you can be hearing the song again after you hadn't heard it for a long time and it has a whole new meaning.(did that make sense?!)
This has happened to me rather often lately...probably helped by the fact that I have been listening to songs from my high school days. haha But it's also funny how songs I loved 'back then' still have a special place in my heart. And the bands too.
It's interesting...and comforting at the same time...

hump day

So it's Wednesday...another interesting week full of ups and downs. I don't even know where to start and that's probably why I haven't blogged yet this week...

My school work is kind of/sort of/not really getting done...nothing is due RIGHT now, so I am in OK shape. It will all work out and get done...I'm not too concerned, just yet...maybe I should be, but I'm not. 

I don't know what else to write...so I guess that's all for now.

did i miss the boat...

I don't think I got two blogs in this week...it's been another interesting week, a busy week...even though I didn't get much work done. I plan on going into school on Monday and getting stuff done.
I don't know what else to say...

it's Tuesday...

and I haven't blogged yet this week! eeeek! haha
I'm not sure what to write about...I spent a good part of this afternoon listening to old music(circa 1990, I KNOW! I told you it was old, haha). It's funny to hear this these songs again, I remember old emotions and the songs seem to have new meanings, it's strange. Kinda fun though.
Other than that...I dyed my hair yesterday, would be no big deal but I went green. Last year as the Slammers made it to the playoffs I decided I would dye it green and this year I did too. I did it differently this year though. the underneath is green and it's layered so that you can see the green (it's way more noticeable from the back). It's fun.
Speaking of the playoffs...the Slammers are down 0-2 to the Timberwolves and are headed up the mighty Miramichi river tomorrow for game 3...I really hope it goes in our favor, because I am not prepared for this season to be over yet! I will be in the 'chi with the guys tomorrow, heading up with the team do set up the webcast, for all the folks left in the 'stock. Hopefully the boys don't disappoint!!
I guess that's all for now. haha

filming has started...

one interview down, a few more to go. so far so good...but i know deep down it's not going to turn out the way i want it to be(not sure i am 100% ok with that, but there isn't much i can do). it sucks to have expectations that won't be met...but it also sucks when your original ideas get shot down...oh well i'll work away and get it done. it's the best i can do. more filming to do tomorrow...

prisoner of my own mind...

[some of this was posted before(briefly),other stuff is new.]

I have so much on my mind, but I have no idea where to start and I’m not even sure I want to share it...I want to say it’s pretty insignificant but if it is then why can’t I let it go?!

Everything happens for a reason, right? Why is it then, that I find myself going from bad times to super happy and content times to pissed off and upset in about 20 minutes...

Like I’ve said before I want so much to spill my every thought but at the same time I feel it will leave me too vulnerable. I’m likely going to keep the details to myself...I feel I have to do that, because A-I can't find the perfect words to explain how I feel, B-I know that if I did find the words someone would be hurt by them and C-No one else will understand it cuz it seems no one truly knows me...

Lately I find that just when I find myself smiling and actually having a good time, someone or something happens and I get snapped back to reality...or if I am mad or pissed off the person I turn to is happy and ecstatic forcing me to suppress my feelings...

I don’t want to smile all the time, and I am not going to. I don't HAVE to be happy and sometimes I just don't want to be happy! I'll have my grumpy moments or days that turn into weeks, I wish people would just accept it. Because I am not prepared to talk and you wouldn’t understand (I know you wouldn’t).

I am fine with that (or I’ll pretend to be) because I know that in the end, I am exactly who I want to be. You try to make me change but that’s just pushing me away for you, you don’t even see it and it's your own fault.

I'm tired of hiding my feelings...but at the same time I can't share them.I'm surrounded by people but feel so alone...
I wonder if and when it will get easier...

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I’m not sure if we are suppose to have two blogs done this week too, but in case you missed the obvious memo there is a lot on my mind, so I am probably going to write anyway.

Also I am filming my documentary this week...I want to say it’s going to be emotional, but I know it won’t affect anyone like it effects me... I have all these ideas and plans but I know there is a snowball’s chance in hell that it will work out the way I want. So the ideas and plans that once were are out the window, I feel like I am jumping in feet first...