[some of this was posted before(briefly),other stuff is new.]
I have so much on my mind, but I have no idea where to start and I’m not even sure I want to share it...I want to say it’s pretty insignificant but if it is then why can’t I let it go?!
Everything happens for a reason, right? Why is it then, that I find myself going from bad times to super happy and content times to pissed off and upset in about 20 minutes...
Like I’ve said before I want so much to spill my every thought but at the same time I feel it will leave me too vulnerable. I’m likely going to keep the details to myself...I feel I have to do that, because A-I can't find the perfect words to explain how I feel, B-I know that if I did find the words someone would be hurt by them and C-No one else will understand it cuz it seems no one truly knows me...
Lately I find that just when I find myself smiling and actually having a good time, someone or something happens and I get snapped back to reality...or if I am mad or pissed off the person I turn to is happy and ecstatic forcing me to suppress my feelings...
I don’t want to smile all the time, and I am not going to. I don't HAVE to be happy and sometimes I just don't want to be happy! I'll have my grumpy moments or days that turn into weeks, I wish people would just accept it. Because I am not prepared to talk and you wouldn’t understand (I know you wouldn’t).
I am fine with that (or I’ll pretend to be) because I know that in the end, I am exactly who I want to be. You try to make me change but that’s just pushing me away for you, you don’t even see it and it's your own fault.
I'm tired of hiding my feelings...but at the same time I can't share them.I'm surrounded by people but feel so alone...
I wonder if and when it will get easier...
-------------------------------
I’m not sure if we are suppose to have two blogs done this week too, but in case you missed the obvious memo there is a lot on my mind, so I am probably going to write anyway.
Also I am filming my documentary this week...I want to say it’s going to be emotional, but I know it won’t affect anyone like it effects me... I have all these ideas and plans but I know there is a snowball’s chance in hell that it will work out the way I want. So the ideas and plans that once were are out the window, I feel like I am jumping in feet first...
I understand how you feel all too well. Someday, and I'm certainly not telling you what to do or how to do it, because I know I can't. I can't even do that myself...What I can tell you, is that after the last week, I know that things have a way of coming out. For better or for worse. Right now I'm leaning towards the better..but I change my mind on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteIt's the strangest thing, isn't it? You know that you have people who will listen, but when you don't know what to say, you don't know what to tell them. I've been there...for a long time..and still am in many ways.
As for your doc., you have an eye like no one I've ever seen!! Whatever you shoot, will turn out beautifully. I know it. I really do. <3